Everything You Need to Know About the Midterm Elections

(As Determined By Us)

Illustrations by Eleri Mai Harris

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR COUNTRY ON ELECTION NIGHT

1 ) Republicans won and Democrats lost. Analysts all seem to agree on this one crucial point. The GOP waltzed into blue state governors’ mansions and took over the Senate, meaning Mitch McConnell, a literal island-of-doctor-moreau-style Turtleman, will likely become Senate Majority Leader.

2) Super duper rich donor dudes did great. Men who dress like the monopoly guy in real life got their way this election, which was surprising given the entire system is designed by and for them. This was the most expensive midterm in human history, clocking in at $3.67 billion. Sound like a lot of money? Wouldn’t if you were a super rich dude, which you could be if you worked harder.

3) Political consultant and rapper Karl Rove wore a cowboy hat on teevee. He remains at large.

4) Wendy Davis lost big. She even lost women by 11 points, which is pretty astounding. But more astounding is she lost white women 67% to 33%. Maybe it just proves white women are still white people.

5) Confirmed: Florida is as stupid as you think. No on pot legalization, furthering an unnecessary war on drugs, and scary voldemort man Rick Scott got another term. On the plus side, the state will sink into our rising oceans within a few election cycles.

WHAT WASN’T TERRIBLE ABOUT IT

1) You will now be able to take a hit off your little weed vape thing in Oregon, Alaska, and Washington DC while — importantly — not being thrown in a giant for-profit prison for a decade. See? It’s not all bad!

2) The communist outposts of Alaska, Arkansas, Nebraska, and South Dakota all agreed that busting your ass for $7.25 an hour kind of stinks and they’ll increase it a tad, if you don’t mind. Cue rich people whining about this messing up the whole new gilded age thing they have going.

3) Zygotes aren’t people, it turns out. Personhood amendments that say a fertilized egg is full blown human inside an egg vessel (aka “a woman”) are now 0–5 because even conservative states seem to recognize this makes no sense to anyone who has sex or has a body.

4) Backgrounds checks for guns passed in Washington so man-baby gun nuts will have to wait a few days to get their toys while someone double checks that they aren’t planning to murder everyone with them. Sorry, Freedom.

WHO CAME OUT TO VOTE

1 ) Not millennials. Older, bitterer Americans made a big showing at the polls while the under 30 crowd sat at home looking at their phones and hoping for good things to happen. Why? Meh. Not like we’re gonna write a thinkpiece on it.

2) 11 states in the last 9 years have enacted restrictive voter ID laws and they’re beginning to bear fruit. Voters in Florida, Texas, Georgia, and Mississippi all had bad experiences with long wait times, unassigned polling places, registrations being challenged, and somehow not enough ballots.

3) White men are bad. Okay, not all of them. But if only white males were allowed to vote we’d have a total of five blue states and probably more Senators who looked like turtles.

SOME QUOTES WE’D LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU

1) “This gridlock and dysfunction can be ended. It can be ended by having a Senate that actually works,” Mitch McConnell said, hilariously.

2) “I’m willing as a Republican to violate some of the pledges we’ve all made,” said the obviously lying Lindsey Graham.

3) “Thank you for the great and extraordinary privilege of being able to serve the greatest people that I will suggest the planet has ever had reside upon it and that is the great citizens of the greatest state in the nation: Texas! Texas! Texas!” — Rick Perry, who appears to like Texas.

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT

1) Obama’s Vetoing Pen is about to get a workout. The GOP probably makes him veto a bunch of stuff just so they can trot it out NEXT election season in over-the-top attack ads.

2) More gridlock: The real deal is that nothing is really gonna happen! The GOP still doesn’t agree on a ton of stuff internally—libertarian wackos won’t be caving on their libertarian wacko stuff anytime soon—and we still have the innate structure of Congress, which was designed to be completely inefficient and stifle progress.

3) Bipartisanship! The congress will get all cuddly and find a way to agree on another new war, probably. Cool!

4) Hillary. Get ready for an avalanche of poorly-constructed pantsuit jokes! If this midterm showed us anything about the current Democratic party, it’s that they’re completely devoid of any “superstar” candidates to take the throne in 2016.

The next presidential election, by the way, starts like, tomorrow. Sorry.